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Grief reactions in carers

A carer is someone who provides care and support for a parent, partner, child, or friend who has a disability, is frail, aged, or who has a chronic mental or physical illness.

Carers come from all cultural and social backgrounds and range greatly in age. Some care for love alone; others provide care from a sense of obligation. Some provide care 24-hours a day every day; others give care for a few hours each week.

A 2017 South Australian report on carers identified 245,000 people in caring roles.

Grief For What Might Have Been

Carers may experience different kinds of grief. For example, when a child is born with a disability, the parents and carers may grieve for ‘what could have been‘, others may grieve for the changes in their loved one diagnosed with a progressive physical or mental illness; or, for the loss of their own lifestyle, dreams, and expectations, as well as the loss of their own identity.

Grief At The Death Of The Person They Have Cared For

When someone cared for has died, the carer may experience a range of emotions – guilt, grief, loneliness, isolation, and anger. They may feel that they will not survive without the person they have cared for, and may feel overwhelmed and confused.

Sometimes, people feel a sense of relief at this time, particularly if the person they cared for has suffered a great deal. Yet others experience a sense of anger towards the person they have lost, feeling that the time spent caring has robbed them of the opportunities to live a ‘normal’ life, and to achieve their own full potential.

The insecurity following a major loss can be frightening and draining. The feeling of being alone with oneself after the intensity of a caring experience may add another layer to the feelings of loss and grief. This can be difficult for some carers to negotiate.

Most carers are comfortable supporting the needs of others, and may find it hard to allow others to see and support their own needs.

Coping With Grief

  • don’t be afraid to ask for help when it’s needed. It is better to deal with painful memories as soon as possible
  • releasing pent-up emotions is far healthier than holding them in. If feelings of guilt are experienced, talk about them, write them down, share them with a trusted friend, try to express them in some way
  • as a carer, the days were probably very busy – there was always a reason to get up in the morning. It helps to find a new type of structure for life. Setting daily goals can help in making sure that each day has a purpose
  • remember that grieving is an important part of healing the sense of loss. Be patient with yourself/the carer. It may take time to begin to heal

Other resources

Beyond Blue
Palliative Care Victoria: Loss and Grief Issues for Carers

 

Page last updated: 19 November, 2019

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