Kangaroo among dry, fallen branches

Grief following the death of a child

The death of a child is one of the most difficult losses anyone can experience. The death of a young child will seem tragic and unfair to their parents, carers, family members and friends.

The death of an adult child is also a great loss for parents and may seem terribly unjust. The significance of the loss may not be acknowledged by others because the person was an adult.

People usually find they have strong reactions even if they knew the death was coming. Some may feel numb or dazed with the shock, or get really upset, and feel angry, guilty and sad.

Impact On Families

Each person will respond in their own way, which may be different from others in the family. There is no set pattern or time limit for grief.

The first strong emotions may ease after some time has passed, but certain reminders can bring these feelings back again: for example days such as the child’s birthday, the anniversary of their death, Mother’s or Father’s day, religious feasts and other anniversaries.

Some families may be able to help each other, but many find it hard or even impossible to do so. Each is trying to cope with their own burden. They may have different ways of doing this. One may want the comfort of being close and touching, or to talk. Another may want to be alone and to think or be out doing something to keep busy. Sometimes this can be different from their usual behaviour. Some parents may develop difficulties in the relationship with their partner because of their different ways of grieving.

It can help to get support from a good friend, a professional person or support group.

Grieving

Some common reactions among people who experience the death of a child may include:

  • feelings of guilt as well as sadness
  • difficulty sleeping
  • lack of appetite
  • distressing thoughts
  • the “aching arms” of yearning and a need to cuddle their child
  • a loss of their sense of future direction
  • difficulty talking with other parents about their children

Strategies That May Help

  • staying with the child who has just died, alone or with close family. Holding, touching and talking to the child can help people to accept that the death has really happened
  • allowing surviving family members to show their strong feelings of grief, if they want to
  • providing support, time to grieve and answering questions is important for those affected, for example, brothers and sisters, grandparents and school friends
  • seeking support and information from doctors or others involved in the child’s death to try to understand how the child came to die
  • the funeral service can support people come together to remember the child and celebrate their life. It can allow people to pay tribute to the child, express their sadness, say goodbye in a public way and receive the support of family and friends
  • it is usually helpful for parents and other family members to be as closely involved in the preparation of the funeral as much as they wish
  • cultural groups may have their own ways of grieving with particular customs through the period of mourning
  • some find it helps to create a memorial for the child, for example making a garden or planting a tree
  • for those who cared for the child around the time of death, it is important that their grief is acknowledged and support provided as appropriate. This may include attending the funeral.

Moving Forward

All of these things can help people come to terms with the death of a child. It does not mean they will forget them, or that there will no longer be any sadness and pain. However it often happens that the child gradually occupies a different place in their minds and hearts and they can adjust to life without their physical presence.

Families who have lost a child can learn to live with the pain, not in the pain. They will also need support and permission (but not pressure) to continue with life: to laugh, to think about other things and to make plans for a different future.

Impact On Families

Each person will respond in their own way, which may be different from others in the family. There is no set pattern or time limit with grief.

The first strong emotions may ease after some time has passed, but certain reminders can bring these feelings back again: for example days such as the child’s birthday, the anniversary of their death, Mother’s and Father’s day, religious feasts and other anniversaries.

Some families may be able to help each other, but many find it hard or even impossible to do so. Each is trying to cope with their own burden. They may have different ways of doing this. One may want the comfort of being close and touching, or to talk. Another may want to be alone and to think or be out doing something to keep busy. Sometimes this can be different from their usual behaviour. Some parents may develop difficulties in their relationship with their partner because of their different ways of grieving.

It can help to get support from a good friend, a professional person or support group.

Grieving

Some common reactions that people who experience the death of a child may include:

  • feelings of guilt as well as sadness
  • difficulty sleeping
  • lack of appetite
  • distressing thoughts
  • the “aching arms” of yearning and a need to cuddle their child
  • a loss of their sense of future direction
  • difficulty talking with other parents about their children

Strategies Which May Help

  • staying with a child who has just died, alone or with close family. holding, touching and talking to the child, can help people to accept that the death has really happened
  • allowing individuals to show their strong feelings of grief, if they want to
  • providing support, time to grieve and answering their questions is important for those who may be affected, for example, brothers and sisters, grandparents and school friends
  • seeking support and information from doctors or others involved in the child’s death to try to understand how the child came to die
  • the funeral service is a way in which people come together to remember the child and celebrate their life. It can allow people to pay tribute to them, express their sadness, say goodbye in a public way and receive the support of family and friends
  • it is usually helpful for parents and other family members to be as closely involved in the preparation of the funeral as much as they wish
  • cultural groups may have their own ways of grieving with particular customs through the period of mourning
  • some find it helps to provide a means by which the memory of the child can live on by, for example, making a garden, or creating some other memorial
  • for those who cared for the child around the time of death, it is important that their grief is acknowledged and support provided as appropriate, including perhaps attending the funeral

Moving Forward

All of these things can help people come to terms with the death of a child. It does not mean they forget or that there is no longer any sadness and pain. However it often happens that the child gradually occupies a different place in their minds and hearts and they can adjust to life without their physical presence.

They learn to live with the pain, not in the pain. They will also need support and permission (but not pressure) to continue with life: to laugh, to think about other things and to make plans for a different future.

Other Resources

SIDS and Kids (for children under 6 years old)

Provide bereavement support for individuals and families who experience the sudden and unexpected death of a baby or child up to and including age 6.
Women’s and Children’s Hospital South Australia: Grief support following the death of a child.

Information about supporting children through grief
SANDS Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support (SA)

24/7 bereavement support line and information for those who have experienced pregnancy loss
Child and Youth Health

Provides free support for all children 0-5 years living in South Australia
The Compassionate Friends South Australia

Offering friendship and understanding to families following the death of a son or daughter, brother or sister.
National Twin Loss Support

Bereavement care and education for medical professionals ,and those who have lost a twin (or higher order multiple) child or sibling

Beyond Blue

Provides information and support to help everyone in Australia achieve their best possible mental health, whatever their age and wherever they live.

Childhood Cancer Association

Counselling, support groups and other services for families who have lost a child to cancer

 

Page last updated: 29 December, 2021